ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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