My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
