my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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