take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Randomize
