They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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