I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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