i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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