life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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