i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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