i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
