It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
