dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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