I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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