remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
