Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
