She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
