R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
