is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
