I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
