Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
