Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
