How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
