I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
