I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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