You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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