onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
