He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize