Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
