even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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