mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
