My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
