i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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