i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
