First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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