he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
