I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
