I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
