half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
