I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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