we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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