btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I wish you could order shots online.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
