Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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