Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
