Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
