My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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