Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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