New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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