I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
