Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
So here I am, sexting at work.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
