I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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