someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
