I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
