If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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