Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
