i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
