it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
