So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
