Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
