I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i dont even know how to be here
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
