just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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