no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize