she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Too much gin, very little bucket
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Randomize
